The Truth of How I Feel
by shallowdweller
Summary: An experiment. I have thought endlessly about how Patrick Jane's feelings must have changed over the course of the series. I'd love to explore it in depth, but who has the time? Would I be able to capture those moments where something changed, though? One by one, like jewels in a necklace? We shall see. If you like drabbles, tell me what you think.
1. It's not as bad as it looks

**The chapter title quote tells what part of the episode is being explored.**

**Starting from the beginning of the pilot episode. **

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 1: "It's not as bad as it looks..."**

The guilty man on the floor. His wife holding the gun. I should have known she would choose vengeance. It brought no comfort. My fault.

And Lisbon's eyes are accusing me.

I never read the handbook when I signed up. How much trouble have I caused by inciting the victim's mother to kill the man who abused and murdered their daughter? Enough to get me fired? Enough to get Lisbon fired?

She may never forgive me for that.

It bothers me that losing her good will matters more, in this moment, than how this affects my hunt for Red John.


	2. No, I Will Not Say Please!

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 2: "No, I will not say please!"**

I wince as she swears into the phone. As I suspected, Minelli was more forgiving than Lisbon, in this case. As a leader, she craves respect. Teresa has some dignity, and I just stomped on it. How better to be sure where her limits are?

But she needs me. Correction, her team needs me. She can swallow her pride for them, as long as I don't push her too far. My shame at using that knowledge makes it easier to swallow mine.

I slink out where she can see me. If I look mildly pathetic, so much the better.


	3. And You Have an Immortal Soul

**Continuing in the pilot episode.**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 3: "...and _you_ have an immortal soul."**

Every atheist has doubts occasionally. This neither proves nor disproves atheism. Believers of all stripes have moments when they question their deeply held beliefs.

Like Grace. My attempts to shake her confidence and distract her focus have had some effect. She reluctantly recognizes that her wishful thinking could play a part in her faith.

But so, perhaps, does mine.

I admire her self-assurance. Most people are too polite, too afraid to address such deep differences candidly.

I admit, if only to myself, that I wish her to be wrong at least as strongly as she hopes to be right.


	4. The Truth Is Mine

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 2: "The Truth is Mine."**

The truth of how I feel belongs to nobody but myself.

Nobody deserves to know what goes on in my head, or the dark hole where my heart once was.

A monster like Dr. Wagner would misuse it. He is looking for weapons against me, would take pleasure in my pain, despair, rage, and weakness.

And if he were a good man, he would deserve my truth even less. Like Lisbon, Cho, VanPelt, and Rigsby, he would recoil from the ugliness if he saw it. I am the only one who deserves the hideous burden of knowing who I am.

**Thank you so much to all who have read these drabbles. I am touched that so many have kept reading, that I have received such kind reviews, and that some have even done me the honor of following my experiment. I hope you will be pleased to know that I am enjoying the experience and appreciating the response so much that I intend to continue through the episodes until the end, or until I perceive that nobody but myself is getting any enjoyment from them any longer. I am even using these drabbles as a reward for finishing other work, including regular writing on other stories that are yet incomplete. Speaking of which, I hope to have Chapter 5 of Need Not to know up by this weekend, God willing. A productive week to you all!**


	5. Don't Even Start I'm Still Angry

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 2: "Don't Even Start. I'm Still Angry."**

So I had some fun at the expense of some messed up people. So Lisbon and her team felt out of the loop until I delivered their murderer. Didn't I solve the case? Why are they hassling me for doing what works?

I refuse to feel guilty for bringing down the creep who tried to mess with my head. He needed to know I saw right through him. He was mine, just like Red John is mine.

Still, without them, Wagner would have killed me. I need them, too.

At least I can cheer Lisbon up. That's something.

**This is the last key moment from the Pilot. If I can keep on target for my real life duties and my other writing, you may see moments from Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape through the week. If you have ideas for scenes that might go well with this theme, I am open to suggestions.**


	6. Did Someone Kill My Sister?

**This is the first in my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 6: "Did someone kill my sister?"  
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Sharing the sorrow of the survivors should get easier. But it keeps reopening wounds from my own losses. Worse, I intrude upon the private grief of innocents. I am unwelcome, unworthy. I compensate by providing the justice they crave.

Frankie hovers as I piece together his sister's world from the pieces of her room. I sense his shock, pain, dread... and a familiar grim fascination. The path of vengeance draws him, too, young as he is.

Charlotte's age.

Why didn't I realize long ago? Survivers need peace more than justice. The law can't provide that. Can I?


	7. Indulgence and Necessity in One

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 7: "...indulgence and necessity in one."**

The food is delicious.

But.

I continue sampling as he talks. His words, seasoned with good humor, go down easily. Like his meals. His manners are winsome, engaging. He invites trust. Once I was just such a likeable sociopath.

I smile blissfully as I swallow. Nobody must know my suspicions until I have more than unrestrained, unapologetic sensual gratification for evidence.

Even Saint Teresa wouldn't consider gluttony a sin that tends towards murderous lust.

But I know from bitter experience: self-interested excess crowds out what matters most. Luxury isolates. I didn't notice until it was too late.


	8. It's Illegal and It's Unethical

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 8: "It's illegal and it's unethical."**

Control is addictive. Fun, too.

Hypnotizing Raquel is the quickest way to find Melanie's secret lover. Probably a dead end for solving her murder, but I don't intend to let this chance pass.

Of course Cho objects. That's part of the game. Hypnosis is only one means of control. Manipulating Cho is easier. I just act confident. He respects authority. Sometimes against his better judgment.

He parrots Lisbon, but he won't refuse me. He won't even let me take full responsibility. He's too honest.

How did I amuse myself before I joined the CBI?


	9. Let's Not Go off on Tangents Already

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 9: "Let's not go off on tangents already."**

The Tolliver case changed how Lisbon sees me. Before she let many things pass. I was bereaved. She humored my whims, let me try thing she considered ridiculous, pointless "sideshows." She knew how broken I was.

Now the game has changed. When I go off book she asserts her authority, tries to rein me in. I don't want to buck her. I need her trust too much. But she doesn't see what I see. I must go behind her back or defy her head on. Being sneaky is easier.

Honestly, I dread her wrath. She can be fierce...


	10. I Knew She'd Stop Him

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 10: "I didn't bother to formulate a plan. I knew she'd stop him."**

I never fully knew how powerful she was until she took Hector Ramirez down.

This is why I need her. She is strong where I am weak. She has forza, I rely on frauda. Both are required to bring down Red John.

This is why I fear her. She could stop my revenge, given opportunity. Even if I could overpower her, could I allow harm to her?

This is why I admire her. She does whatever is necessary. She lets nothing stop her. Not risk, not obstacles, not her own weaknesses.

Rigsby jokes, but he understands. He respects her, too.


	11. More than what's Actually There

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 11: "You're seeing more than what's there."**

Angela's absence is felt deeply at times like these.

Lisbon thinks that my "reasons" for pursuing a different line of investigation center around sympathy for Hector's professed guilty self-loathing. She supposes my alternate explanation to be a product of wishful thinking and a fascination with intricate improbabilities. I thought by now she knew me better than that.

She calls my insight a "gift", but she still sees my contribution to the team as a fluke. How can I get her to take my ideas seriously, however far-fetched they may sometimes seem?

I miss being trusted, understood.


	12. A Far Worse Punishment

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 12: "Being sorry is a far worse punishment than being dead."**

Sophie taught me this lesson. It was her most effective argument against taking my own life.

Now I say it for Frankie's benefit. He doesn't deserve the self-destructive path that I have chosen.

But the words suddenly take on deeper meaning for me. When I imagine the death of my quarry, I often think of making him sorry. But I know to my core that simply killing him is not enough. If I could believe, like Lisbon, that his actions would condemn him to eternal torment, I might be satisfied with his death.

But I don't.


	13. I Wouldn't Seduce You Over a Meal

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 13: "I didn't think you were trying to seduce me."**

Really? After I carefully set up this intertraction to disract her by making her think about sex with me, it didn't even cross her mind? That can't be. For years, plenty of women have fantasized non-stop around me without me having to do a thing! She must be lying. Or in denial.

No, she isn't.

Am I not her type? Is she not into men? Suddenly I'm the one distracted. That won't do.

At least now that the thought is out there, she can't unthink it. Unfortunately, neither can I. A dangerous predicament.


	14. Everything's Funny Well, if you try

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 14: "Everything's funny." "Well, if you try."**

All my clever maneuvering for this case, trying to convince Lisbon that I really do know what I'm talking about...attempting to win her attention for my brilliant solution without directly challenging her dilligent procedures...hustling to distract her from shady methodology until I can show her the perfect close to a well-constructed case...

And this is the result! The Ultimate Farce! I make my colleagues look like the Keystone Cops! No wonder she doesn't listen to me.

I look absurd, ridiculous. Even I have to laugh!

Can this be salvaged? Could it possibly get any worse?


	15. Drop the Gun!

**This concludes the section of my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 15: "Drop the Gun!"**

I had messed with her, humiliated her. Worst of all, I made her team look bad. When she stormed out, I knew it would take time to work through that.

Then the demented duo appeared. With a gun, a knife, and their latest victim.

In this game, the stakes are too high to miss details like Senora psychopath, or another red-head. Even as I dialed, I knew I was dead. Lisbon was gone, she wouldn't even answer her phone.

Yet she came!

Maybe the problem isn't just getting her to trust me, but also learning to trust her.

**Deep thanks to all who continue to read. At the request of LouiseKurylo, whose opinion I greatly respect, I have adjusted my format to help give context by providing the names of the episodes from which each scene is taken. Special thanks to MichaelaD, who pointed out a confusion that helped me to refine my wording. I appreciate any suggestions that will help improve clarity in thought and presentation.**

**Today, God willing, I hope to move on to the third episode, with not nearly as many good scenes IMO. In fact, if you know of any good scenes in Red Tide, do point them out because so far I only see three. They do not have to be Jisbon scenes, but they should point up some change in Jane's thinking, or at least some way he thinks at this point in the series that is going to change later on. Or even just a disconnect between what he says and does and what he is likely thinking. If nobody can think of any, that's fine. This is far from my favorite episode, so I'm okay with spending far less time on it so that I can spend more where it really counts.**


	16. That Would Be a Trick

**This begins the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 16: "That _would _be a trick."**

All four pairs of eyes follow me, focusing on vanPelt's face and hands. She has already told me all I need to locate the keys, but I bask awhile longer in their attention. Sometimes I miss this feeling.

Still, this is better than my old routines in so many ways. I'm not fooling anyone. They know my discoveries are my own doing, not supernatural beings whispering in my ear. It feels good to win their admiration and build morale at the same time. I learn their responses, and team spirit grows.

Lisbon approves. That itself is reason enough.

**I wasn't sure this moment was worth exploring. Now I wish I had more than 100 words so I could dig deeper. Would it be weird to also expand this to a one-shot? I know that it has probably been done better, already, but I'd love to try my hand at it...**


	17. I Have No Superiors

**This begins the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 17: "I _have _no superiors."  
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It takes little time to discern what kind of pervert "Pops" is. Christine was way too young, and that's how Kurtik liked it. He thought nobody could hold him accountable for using an underage girl.

But I will.

If Lisbon knew as I know, could she be that obsequious? Law should serve justice, not hinder it. But the law binds her hands and stops her mouth. She dares do nothing without clear evidence.

I fear no law. This self-important, condescending cretin thinks that he can threaten and intimidate me. He has no idea with whom he is dealing.


	18. If You Were 15 Years Younger

**This continues the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 18: "If you were 15 years younger, I'd give you a shot."  
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Lisbon holds her ground as Kurtik leers. Her skin crawls, but Pops won't see it.

He is taunting _her_ to punish _me_ for accusing him. I feel a twinge of guilt, but my face remains untroubled. I no longer care what I may sacrifice in pursuit of vengeance. Can I be reprimanded? Suspended? Fired? Jailed? Tortured? Killed?

I am prepared to suffer all this and more to secure justice. Not just for me. For my family. Maybe for any innocent victim.

Is there any price I won't pay?

I watch Lisbon's stiff posture and closed face and wonder.

**Special thanks to Mrs. Sastre for stimulating discussion of the last chapter that helped to shape this one. And to anyone who was reassuring me that you would still read this story if I dispensed with word counts, my thanks. Still, I find that I rather like the mental challenge of making my thoughts fit in a basic structure. It's like a puzzle. Verbal sudoku. But when I find one scene that makes it particularly tough to not say more, I mentally tag it. I may come back to it later when I have time between adventures!**


	19. Get Some Help

**This completes the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 19: "Get some help. Your kids deserve it. So do you."**

If Lisbon knew I was watching this conversation, she might not follow through. She is intensely private. It still bothers her how much I know about her without being told. This account from her past is a big key to why.

Her story and her plea to Mr. Tanner confirm so much that I suspected already. But I find myself in awe. Of what she has survived. How she uses her pain to spur compassion for others. How she offers this man compassion on behalf of the father who betrayed her trust.

She deserves more consideration than I dare give.

**Even when I forget to say it, I hope all who read these drabbles know how deeply I appreciate your attention. And especially those who take time to review or message me privately. **

**I am in the midst of an intense real life adventure, which is why I did not post yesterday and probably won't tomorrow either. I really hope to do Patrick's chapter of The Illusion of Control before Thanksgiving, but it is a crucial and challenging piece, so I may put the drabbles on hold for a bit so that I can give my full writing focus to that task. But after the family time is over, I hope to start on episode 4, which is full of good stuff. We'll see how much ground I can cover before (yay!) the season premiere!**


	20. Let me demonstrate

**This begins the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 20: "Let me demonstrate."**

Watching Rigsby pine over vanPelt is painfully awkward. More so because I personally derailed him from the start. This may be my chance to wipe that slate clean.

Admittedly, I may be somewhat out of practice. Seducing one's wife is far easier than gaining the trust of a stranger. But the principle remains the same. And in this case, it will require little acting. She is almost too attractive. Frightened. Obviously needs _someone _besides the hovering lawyer.

Giving Rigsby his example and gaining Jennifer's trust kills two birds with one stone. If I can avoid emotional entanglement myself.


	21. Maybe a Little

**This continues the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 21: "Maybe a little."**

I rarely second-guess myself. But perhaps I was hasty in using seduction as a ploy.

Had I realized that I was this vulnerable, would I have sought a personal connection with a beautiful widow? And a sweet little girl, too.

Maybe. Masochism is not completely out of character for me. Especially since...

Lisbon needs to know I can handle it. The way she is looking at me makes me wonder how much she sees. She's worried that I could get hurt. Does she know that it's already too late? For once I envy her strict professional boundaries.

**I finally decided that I had to keep the drabbles moving, even though my chapter of The Illusion of Control is giving me fits. Maybe even because I feel so stymied. These shorts seem to come more easily. Anyway, pretty soon you'll all have fresh cannon to enjoy. Meanwhile, I appreciate readers, and any reviews you can spare are much appreciated.**


	22. That Was Serious This? No

**This continues the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 22: "That was serious. This? No."**

She's tough. Angry. More afraid than she will admit. And in spite of her bravado, she does not appear to be lying.

She loved Jason. Loves Julie.

Adrianna's story contradicts the widow's at several key points. Only now do I feel just how much I want to believe Jennifer. If Lisbon could see my turmoil, could she resist saying "I told you so"?

One of them is playing me for a fool. I hate that. I can't let my feelings rule my judgment, like a mark. I have to know which one is telling the truth.


	23. I Need Someone to Hold Me

**This continues the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 23: "I need someone to hold me."**

Isn't it possible, I ask myself, that she just wasn't paying attention? Does confusing an oboe and a bassoon mean that she could torture her husband? Lie to me when I've been trying to help her?

I struggle to fully believe that her tears, her distress, aren't real. To some degree, they probably are. Her lonely yearning resonates within me. Everyone needs tenderness, sometimes. Would it hurt to pretend, for the moment, to accept hers?

Yes, it would.

Love and affection can draw anyone in. I am far from immune.


	24. I Wanted to Win the Bet, Too

**This concludes the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 24: "I wanted to win the bet, too,"**

Technically, I did win the bet. Jennifer would have given me whatever I asked. But it would have cost me more than Rigsby's hundred bucks and the embarassment of admitting defeat.

Even if she had been genuinely bereaved, rather than a cold murderous manipulator, I could not have paid the price. I have nothing to offer a decent woman, and no energy to spare for any other kind.

Except, perhaps, a woman like Adrianna, who has had hurts enough in her life to build her strength. So that nothing I could do would ultimately hurt her.

Dream on, Patrick...


	25. It's In Her Eyes

**This is from episode five: Redwood****  
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**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 25: "It's in her eyes."**

Before working in law enforcement, I never justified my hunches. I was a "psychic". Nobody expects a psychic to lay out evidence. Psychics needn't explain their claims logically.

Usually I can point to something that backs up my intuition. Since disowning my former profession, I make it a point of honor to do so.

But I can't pinpoint why I am certain that Nicole is a victim, not Kara's killer. A lack of compelling motive is one factor. But, more than that, her face reveals a too-familiar mind-scape. Trauma. Desperation. Denial.

Like a shattered mirror.

**I really had to dig for this treasure, but I am so glad I found it! **

**I so appreciate those who contine to read, when I know fresh insights from the new season are more immediately attractive. If you have time, though, I would love to know: do you have favorite moments from this series so far? My top 5 includes chapters 3, 4, 8, 19, and 23. **


	26. I've Been Where You're Going

**Also from episode five: Redwood. Probably the last scene from this show, which is one of my least favorite. And yet it yielded two really good moments, which goes to show that even at its worst, The Mentalist is an excellent program.****  
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**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 26: "I've been where you're going."**

There are easier, less painful ways to solve a murder. But recovering from a horrific experience is never painless, and often the easiest approach is to just deal with it. If I thought that Nicole would heal in that hospital room with clouds of guilt and doubt and suspicion thick enough to choke her, I would have left her to the doctors.

From Sophie I learned that facing emotional wounds is agonizing, and messy, and absolutely necessary. I'm no psychiatrist. Will firm encouragement and empathy supply what she needs? Can I help her find peace?

I truly hope so.


	27. But Here, In Nevada

**Here begins my series on one of my very favorites, episode six: Red Handed. Pack a lunch, this might take a while. I have selected ten moments, after eliminating even more quotes that I would have loved to use. If your favorite scene didn't make the cut, please fogive me. Better yet, write up your own version of that scene. I'd gladly read it.**

**The Springfield! Springfield! Write-up of this episode is very confusing in some spots, so if you can't remember or rewatch this show, I would gladly help explain or correct their script for anyone who needs assistance. Just send me a pm.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 27: "But here, in Nevada, it's okay to bet on body parts."**

Cho and vanPelt each attempt not to smile at Rigsby's tomfoolery. Grace is more committed to her serious stance, but Cho has more experience with remaining deadpan in the face of the ridiculous. I lay the odds in my head and am not surprised when Cho wins, hands down.

It suddenly strikes me what exceptional people I work with.

In the face of the worst elements of humanity that confront them every day, they still keep their sense of humor, their uniquely upbeat personalities, and their determination to do their jobs well, whatever the difficulty.

How strange it feels to read people for mere pleasure, not personal gain.


	28. Figured There'd be a Photo

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 28: "Figured there'd be a photo."**

Juat solving the murder is easy. The real challenge and satisfaction, I am discovering, comes from developing closure. Nurturing peace that is often sorely needed by the survivers.

Take Jessica Meiers, for example. In a troubled marriage to a compulsive gambler. Like Lisbon, she loved her father, but never felt she had the love she needed from him. So she undervalues herself, puts up with inattention and disrespect from her husband.

Is there a way, in the midst of this tragedy, to help her reframe her self image? To help her picture herself as someone worth lavish, unwavering love?


	29. I'll Give it Back to you Double

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 29: "I'll give it back to you double."**

She thinks I want to play around in the casino to show off. She's right. But I won't stop there.

She still doesn't realize that when I joined her team, she hit the jackpot. I can solve her cases and all her problems. I could make her whole team rich.

I could promise her power, prestige, anything to secure her loyalty. And I could deliver.

All she wants right now is to find out what "43" means. To get justice for James Meier. Also, she hopes she won't lose her hundred dollars.

She has no idea.


	30. Well, That was Fun While it Lasted

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 30: "Well, that was fun while it lasted"**

Once I discovered the dishonest blackjack dealer, I tipped my hand. I had won enough money that further subtlety was unnecessary. Tweaking the management gives me a chance to observe reactions while the bigwigs are off-balance.

And now for the key part of today's plan.

Solving a murder is fun, but it is never my main goal. It keeps me sharp, sane, and focused for my hunt. More importantly, it secures the resources I need. Especially the support of this team. Tonight, I intend to show them a good time. People who are highly valued are extremely loyal.


	31. Carbon Placed Under Extreme Pressure

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 31: "Carbon placed under extreme pressure."**

Her eyes lit up like Christmas when she opened the box. I never met a woman who could resist the allure of precious gemstones. I've never seen that kind of glow on Lisbon. It suits her.

Then she said she couldn't accept it. Worse, she meant it. Can she truly care more about regulations than she does about what I can give her?

No, not regulations. Integrity. She finds the necklace beautiful, but the beauty of doing right captivates her more.

I never expected this.

Everybody has a price, Dad used to say. Could he have been wrong?


	32. Emeralds Look Lovely With Your Eyes

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**In posting this I am breaking one of my own rules. I told myself I wouldn't post two moments from the same scene. But I couldn't leave the last moment unbalanced. And I don't intend to lose Jane's moment with the guys, either. That's what's coming up next.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 32: "I know those emeralds look lovely with your eyes."**

The waste is knowing she'll never wear that necklace again. Even if I can't have her unquestioning allegiance, if what she wants most isn't something I can purchase her, it was a pleasure watching her relax her guard with that face framed in elegance. By my design.

Much as this vision quickens my pulse, her real beauty is within. I take no credit for that. Although without risking some very dangerous honesty tonight, I might never have seen it.

Even world peace wouldn't buy her. Gambling for just her smile has already cost me too dearly.


	33. That's My Boys Live it Up

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 32: "That's my boys. Live it up!"**

This is not what I planned. I intended to treat the team to an expensive meal, impress them with my wit and sophistication, draw them into my orbit. But Lisbon's principles forced me to scale back. Now I am drawn into theirs.

Cho and Rigsby don't see me as urbane or admirable. Interesting, maybe. Fun, handy. Even trustworthy. A member of their team.

When they look at those expensive watches, they don't see strings. They see gifts from a friend.

They don't feel obligated.

They're not.

It's a privilege to buck regulations with them.


	34. If I Told You About Every Hunch

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 34: "If I told you about every hunch, you'd get very irritated."**

It felt good letting down my guard last night. It felt better yet to give my winnings to a worthy cause. I think Lisbon would approve. If she knew.

But that is one of many things that I will never tell her. Because ...

...knowing me too well might do worse than irritate her.

...I can't risk losing her support, or the fragile trust we have.

...She knows I am fallible, but cannot conceive how broken.

...I want to be the kind of man that she could admire. I can't risk her knowing that she has that much influence.


	35. Harpooning a Whale

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 35: "Harpooning a whale."**

The team is clearly on course. They can solve the murder with little assistance this time. But the final blow is mine, as is the trophy that will restore the fortunes of the bereaved.

This kind of game sharpens my eye, perfects my aim, hones my wit like the weapon it is. This degenerate gambler isn't nearly the big fish he thinks he is. Easily lead, not on his guard, all too easy to target.

But he'll do. I practice on lesser villains, until I find my red whale, my obsession.

When that day comes, I'll be ready.

**I actually had a chapter based on "Mum's the word," but it was too similar to the preceding chapter. This one actually anticipates a future episode, but the theme of vengeance is a strong current in the Mentalist, so I expect we'll be revisiting Melville more than once...**


	36. How's That For Denial?

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 36: "How's that for denial?"**

When he insisted that his wife was not involved, I momentarily thought that he might have some kind of heart. Then he called her an idiot for not suspecting him.

His ego is staggering.

He thinks treating his wife as a commodity for barter, sinking her ever deeper into debt, killing her own father to keep her, makes him a professional? Degenerate is too kind.

I would rather go to an early, solitary grave than let another woman suffer because of her love for me.

I know about having a bad streak. It should never be shared with loved ones.

**Thanks for reading, reviewing, favoriting, following, and especially for your patience. I have one more drabble planned for this episode, and I am really close on the next chapter of The Illusion of Control. Hope the new year is being kind to you.**


	37. He Was There for You

**This concludes ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 37: "So in the end, he _was_ there for you."**

Everyone has father issues. Some have more reasons than others.

Jessica's father missed most of her childhood, left her and her mother emotionally adrift. But he cared enough to face down a monster, to the death, when he realized what was at stake. I envy his fatal opportunity.

Had I been there to stand between Red John and Charlotte, I would have stopped him. Had it cost me my life, maybe she would have taken comfort from knowing she was loved.

What ifs are useless.

In tribute for Meier's courage, I offer his daughter what mine should have.

**If this seems different than the first time you read it, that may be because I made some adjustments after posting. My apologies.**

**Thank you for being patient with this very long series, from one of my favorite episodes ever. If my varying approaches to the multifaceted hero seemed disjointed in places, my apologies. It's hard to capture such a ****complex character in such short bits. I am hoping it has the effect of what Jane looks for in people's homes. Photos, design, possessions, little things that together create a composite of what matters to and about an individual.**

**Anyway, thanks, as always, for reading, commenting, favoriting, or following. It means more than you know.**


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